Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
