The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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