I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
