someone owes me an orgasm
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
