Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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