shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
