my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
