Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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