I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
