She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
