You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
