I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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