'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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