it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
