I accidentally had phone sex last night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
