he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My apartment stinks of burning failure
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
