a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
