The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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