you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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