Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Someone signed my nipple.
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