Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
