Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
