I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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