I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
