I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
