i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
