the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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