please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
