He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
