Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
