Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
