dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It was confusing and full of hummus
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
