Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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