i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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