Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
