Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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