That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
