I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
