I didn't shave. On purpose
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
