He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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