my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
