Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
True college students do jello shots in the library
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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