...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
