Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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