Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
