tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
