My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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