I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
