You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
