next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it was like eating out sand paper
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
they're like a gay fantastic four
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
