It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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