remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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