4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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