After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
